My mind is beautifully blank.

(insert name here),

          Matagal ang aking tugon sa iyong liham. Aaminin kong nabawasan ang bigat na nararamdaman ko pagkatapos mabasa ang tinipa mong tinta. Tama, hindi tayo magkakilala sa totoong buhay kaya ang isang hindi pagkakaunawaan na nauwi sa batuhan ng masasamang salita na nagpapadumi lang sa interweb ay hindi karapat dapat. Lalo na`t malabo ang dahilan kung bakit nagkaganoon. Lalo na`t ang ugaling gayun ay gawain lamang ng mga maledukadang mga nilalang. At tama, hindi tayo ganun.

          Lubos kong inisip kung tutugon pa ba ako o hindi sa iyong naisulat. Noong una naisip kong wag na lang tumugon dahil tapos naman na ang anumang "alitan" at batuhan ng salita. Pero hindi pa rin ako mapanatag. Hindi dahil sa mas gusto kong nasa akin ang huling salita, gusto ko lang klaruhin ang mga "isyu". Mahirap para sa akin ito dahil naisip kong napaka walang kakwentang kwentang dahilan ang "isyu" at mas karapat dapat lang na ibaon sa limot ang mga dahilan dahil matagal ng nangyari. Ang nakakatawang/nakakbusar pa dun, nagbabangayan tayo ni pangalan ng isa`t-isa hindi natin mabanggit. Isang karuwagan. Patunay lamang na ang alitang naganap ay hindi na dapat nangyari pa. Aaminin kong kung nagkakilala tayo sa ibang paraan, nararamdaman kong naging maayos sana ang pakikitungo natin sa isa`t-isa mula noon hanggang ngayon.

          Hindi ko alam kung paanong nangyaring nalaman mo ang tungkol sa bagong mumunting espasyo kong ito sa interweb. Dahil mula nung nawala ako sa sirkulasyon at nawalan ng gana upang magsulat ng mga kung anu-anong kabalbalan ng utak ko, iisa na lang ang nakasubaybay pa sa sari-saring espasyong nagawa ko sa interweb. Pero labas ang isyung yun dito. Pero nagpapasalamat ako sa sinabing mong munting paghanga, hindi ko inaasahang manggagaling yun mula sa`yo.

          Sayang ang dapat sana ay magandang pakikitungo natin sa isa`t-isa. Aaminin kong umaasa akong sana ay maibalik kung anumanang "tipo ng ere" sa pagitan nating dalawa, walang alitan, walang masasakit na salita, kaswal. Kahit pa nga ba nagkaroon na "lamat" at nabitawan na ang mga hindi dapat bitawang salita, naniniwala pa rin ako sa kapatawaran ng pagkakamali. Hindi ko gawain ang humingi ng tawad pero dahil sa alam kong may mali akong nagawa sa`yo na hindi naman talaga dapat humantong pa sa katarantaduhan, humihingi ako ng abiso.

    saw someone whom i thought i could spend my life with. then the reality hit me, like that of a blade across the vein. he knew someone i know from the past. someone connected to a friend that am so missing like a lot.

    life is effin unfair.

    there's no use to rant anyway. this all was but a mere tragic coincidence. 

    he will never know me.

    you will never know that i exist.

   i~t's kind of funny na i got a 108 sa IQ test tas word warrior daw. it means na articulate daw ako and can communicate well. pota. dream on, tetet. dream on. i don't know about articulate/

     sobrang nakakimbey kanina. as in shet lang. nakakabadtrip si ading kasi hindi siya pumunta sa tindahan kahit sandali para maisoli ko na yung cd sa video city. i mean, kingina. pag humihingi siya ng pabor pinagbibigyan ko tapos yung kaliit liit na bagay na yun, pinagdamot niya pa. shet. limang minuto lang siya magbabantay. si ihna papansin. pisti. nangako siya na sasamahan niya ako sa video city pero ano? ayaw niya daw. enangyan. kaimbey. shet.

    emily went to her high school classmate's birthday. ayuz naman na lahat hanggang sa nagkwento siya na yung mga anak daw ni tita beng e kesyo nagsisipag aral daw sa mga magagandang unibersidad, yung isa nakatapos na. wtf. so? pakelam ko naman. i have my own life, my own choices. i might not have graduated last May pero wtf. ano naman? kung bakit nauso pa kasi ang pagmartsa para magkaroon ng diploma. wtf.

    it kinda sucks for me how people would expect something for you like as if you don't have the right to commit mistakes. let alone choose for yourself.

    gawd. leave me alone.

being the retarded that i am, i (again!) forgot the password for my new blog account. i kept on using my new e-mail address for me to be able to retrieve my password. and to my surprise, i didn't realize that i have been actually using that e-mail account for like, over a year now and i used it for my old blog account. i checked my old post although i have only posted like, six entries? here's one of them:

    i ran into my old links and one of them was Kat. i basically have forgotten about her deviantart account (she's a UP fine arts major grad btw) and decided to take a look. i was not at all surprised that she and Adele (Ina) have become dear friends. i kind of expected it anyway because they were always together whenever Scarlet Tears have a gig. what i didn't expect was the pang of jealousy i felt when i finally saw Adele's deviant account. in her account was Jessie, (former friendster friend on my 'goth' account) and of course, Kat.

adele and i became very 'close' when i was an active member of the dollhouse kin, The Late Isabel's yahoogroups. we were kind of like the same. and the minute we saw each other, we just bonded. it's like, we have known each other for a very long time. we weren't able to see each other very often for my family was under financial crisis that time. i can not afford to go out and simply hang out with her. i was about to sleep over their house at Loyola Heights after an incident occurred but again, i was not able to because we lost contact. i found out later that they have moved in to another place.

it kind of sucks for me because i was not supposed to feel this way. or maybe i am. you can not blame me.

yesterday afternoon, i felt uber nostalgic and decided to send my 'friends' a text message. two replied. one of which was my crush and we are not really that close (besides the fact that am not actually in his phonebook). the other one was ryan. i wasn't able to get replies from my high school friends. and it really sucks because i feel like i don't have any friends AT ALL.

"..you want me back in your arms
back in your bed
we're officially dead.."

-veruca salt

"I've pulled it apart for you dear
I wait for my heart to shift gear
I'll never sleep late with you
never get baked with you
I'll let you down for good.."

-veruca salt

excuse my redundancy. been listening to veruca salt for the past three hours and i just can't help but post these lines. it just seems appropriate for me. for my ex who sucks big time.

"you don't want me.."

 

    "Tamad ako."

    whoo. understatement of the year. enangyan. e ano naman kung hindi pa ako bumabalik sa school? mahirap bang intindihin na sa loob ng tatlong taon ng hindi pag aaral e hindi pa rin ako handa makisalamuha at makasabay sa buhay estudyante? tamad nga ba ako? maaring oo. dahil yun ang pinaka madaling sagot kung bakit hindi pa ako nag aaral ulet. malamang hindi dahil wala naman makakaintindi kung bakit ayaw ko pang bumalik sa pag aaral. gawd. pisti.

    and who would understand huh? no one. pakshet.

    kahit i-explain ko hindi mo maiintindihan. hindi dahil sa hindi ko gustong ipaintindi, am just so certain na hindi mo maiintindihan ang dahilan ko. enangyan, anlabo ko.

    gaano ba kaimportante ang kapirasong papel na tinatago sa pangalang "diploma"? dahil ba mas rerespetuhin ka ng tao kung may hawak ka nito? irerespeto ka kung karapat dapat kang irespeto. may diploma ka nga, di ka naman makatao makipag usap, wala ka pa ring kwenta.

    kung nagkataon na nakasama ako sa martsa nung Mayo, iisa lang din ang babagsakan ko e: call center. i have nothing against the call center industry, it's just that, parang ginagawa na lang trend for practical purposes ang pagtatrabaho sa call center. malaki nga ang sweldo, fulfilling ba? siguro kung panatag ka na makita na natutulungan mo ang mga dapat mong tuilungan, sure, i have no question about that. pero hindi ba kaya mo pinagtiyagaan ang makapag martsa at makakuha ng kapirasong papel na "diploma" ay dahil ninais mo  at inambisyon mo ang propesyong kunektado sa tinapos mo?

    lahat tayo'y naglolokohan.

    lahat tayo sinungaling.

    lahat tayo ipokrito't ipokrita.